Clallam Bay (A Fresh Start #2) Read online

  What I was trying to avoid was any more of this awkward conversation. I missed us and our easy banter. Why couldn’t he have just written? Maybe then this weirdness wouldn’t have grown between us. Things could have stayed the same. Slowly progressing, but progressing nonetheless. Now we were at another standstill. A worse one.

  “I meant to write, ya know?”

  “Uh huh.”

  “I did.”

  “Sure.”

  I heard him huff a laugh. “Okay.” Pushing off the house, he started to walk away, and I panicked.

  “Okay, what?” I yelled at his back, rushing down the stairs.

  He kept going, yelling over his shoulder. “Nothing.”

  “Nothing? Nothing!” Fuming, I stopped in the middle of our two driveways. “Fine! Be that way then!” I yelled out like a mature adult capable of having a serious conversation.

  Coll stomped up his stairs and disappeared behind the door before slamming it shut.

  *

  I spent the majority of the next few days hanging out at Alyssa’s, trying to avoid running into Coll as much as possible before the wedding.

  Me staying there was probably a mistake seeing as all we did was lie around eating chocolate and drinking champagne. It was a miracle we still fit into our dresses when we tried them on the night before.

  “You think he’ll bring a date?” Alyssa asked in the dark while we lay cuddled up under her blankets.

  Shrugging, I turned to face her. “I don’t know. I hope not.”

  “For his sake, I hope not either.”

  We giggled then went silent, both probably wondering what would happen if he did bring a date. Nothing, I was sure, since I refused to cause a scene like I had the other day and would stop Alyssa from starting anything. The last thing I wanted was the attention on me. It was Sonia’s day, after all, and I was already embarrassed enough.

  “So what about that cabby who took us to the bar that one time? Isn’t he divorced?”

  “Timmy’s dad?”

  “Yeah. He was kinda hot in a dad sort of way. Don’t you think?”

  “No.”

  “No? Why not?”

  “Why not? Because he’s one of my students’ parents is why not. Plus, he’s old.”

  “He’s thirty-six!”

  “Yeah, like I said. Old.”

  I could practically hear Alyssa’s eyes roll into the back of her head. I went to flick her chin but got her in the nose instead.

  “Ow!”

  “Oh, sorry.”

  “You are not.”

  “You’re right, I’m not.”

  We laughed a little louder that time, both quieting with a yawn. The playing around was a good distraction. But when she turned away and said a mumbled goodnight, my mind started racing again.

  I thought about Coll and that idiotic conversation all night long. It felt as if I’d just closed my eyes when the alarm went off and Alyssa pounced on the snooze button.

  “Morning.”

  “Mm.”

  Alyssa was never much of a morning person. Not even when she slept in until ... ten!

  I sat straight up in the bed.

  “Why did you set the alarm so late? We’re supposed to be at the reception hall by eleven to start setting up! Now we’re gonna be late!”

  “Put a cork in it, would ya? You really planning on getting all gussied up to go decorate a pole barn?”

  I didn’t answer.

  “I didn’t think so.”

  Yawning, she rolled out of bed and adjusted the bandana in her hair.

  “Don’t worry. We’ll make it. And with plenty of time to stop for some coffee first.”

  One cinnamon spice latte and hot chocolate later, we were walking into the venue to find Sonia had been up all night trying to perfect things herself. Once we had her calmed down and napping in the car, we finished up just in time for hair and makeup.

  “I don’t know if I can go through with this.” Sonia started freaking again once we made it to the church. I sat idly by and watched as she paced around the dressing room.

  Alyssa tipped her head to the ceiling. “Lord Jesus, be a fence. Girl, yes you can. Now be still and let this nice lady here finish your hair. Please. The sooner we get this over with the sooner I can go home.”

  Nodding, Sonia murmured to herself as she sat back down, “Okay, okay. I can do this. I can do this.”

  Alyssa and I exchanged a look, telepathically coming up with a plan if Sonia decided to make a run for it. I’d grab the legs. Alyssa’d go in for the tackle. But in the end I didn’t think it would be necessary. After Sonia was dressed and ready and standing at the doors she started crying. Tears of happiness this time.

  One by one we preceded the bride down the aisle. I deliberately didn’t look up at the altar to avoid looking at Coll. I wasn’t ready to see him or his suit just yet.

  By the time the groom kissed the bride and Alyssa intercepted Coll’s arm, I still wasn’t ready. And I spent the majority of the reception staring at the bottom of my champagne glass. If I wasn’t doing that I was dancing my worries away with Alyssa and Ethan, who I later caught making out behind an enlarged portrait of the bride and groom. As long as I lived I would never let her live that down.

  I did a pretty good job of avoiding the people—one person—I didn’t want to see. It was nearing the end of the night when my luck ran out. I thought I felt his presence. The look on Alyssa’s face from across the table confirmed it was Coll standing behind me.

  “How ‘bout that dance?” he asked.

  I looked over my shoulder at him, forgetting to prepare myself for what I was about to see. But in the end there was no amount of preparing me for that.

  His cuff links came into view first. They were silver and U-shaped, pointing upward over crisp white toward a stark black jacket sleeve. My eyes roamed up his arm and widened. His shoulders looked bigger somehow. Wider. The collar of his shirt had been loosened around his neck. His Adam’s apple bobbed and I reactively swallowed, taking in his freshly-shaven jaw, the smirk on his lips, and that stupid quirk that forever creased his brow. His eyes locked in on mine, and I couldn’t remember my name let alone what he’d asked me.

  He held out his hand, and I looked down at it.

  “I don’t think she wants to dance with you,” Alyssa answered for me. Closing my eyes, I subtly shook my head.

  “Is that true, Hailey? You don’t wanna dance with me?”

  Glancing over at Alyssa, I gave her a dirty look before getting up from my chair.

  “Can I talk to you for a minute?” I asked, taking off before he could answer.

  He followed me to the only place I knew we could get some privacy—the area behind the portrait.

  “What the hell is it you want from me?” I asked, surprising myself.

  He squinted down at the wall. “I just thought we could dance is all.”

  “No.”

  “No? We can’t dance?”

  “Yes.” I shook my head. “No. I mean, that’s not what I mean.”

  “What do you mean, then?” he asked.

  I motioned between us. “I mean what is going on with us? Why are you playing all these games?”

  “I’m playing games?” He tried to be cute, but I ignored it.

  “Is that all I am to you? A game?”

  “What? Of course not. No.” He shook his head, looking more and more overwhelmed by the minute. I was beginning to wonder if he was even sober enough to be having this conversation.

  “Then what? Why are you doing this to me?”

  Shoving his hands in his pockets, Coll brought his shoulders to his ears, gaping like a fish out of water. “Doing what, Hailey? I don’t know what you’re talking about. I’m not doing anything.”

  Sonia chose that moment to poke her head around the frame of her obnoxious engagement photo.

  “Hailey, you think you could take Coll home? Jason drove him but now he’s driving me.” Tipping her head to the side, she
made an effort to show us all her teeth. “‘Cause we’re married!” she sang out.

  I almost laughed at the absurdity of the situation. Was she serious right now?

  Waving away my drunk, married friend, I humored her. “Uh, yeah. Sure, sweetie. That would be fine.”

  Only that certainly would not be fine. I didn’t want to spend any more time with him than physically necessary.

  When I ordered him to get in my car, he folded into the passenger seat, no questions asked. It made me feel good. Powerful that he obeyed with no hesitation whatsoever. Like I was capable of making him do just about anything. Anything but actually talk to me.

  We rode in silence. Every time I looked over, I found him looking out the window at the passing blackness.

  I deflated a bit when I pulled into our driveway and stopped to drop him off. Even though I was mad at him, I didn’t feel like being alone just yet.

  “Will you come in?” he asked, making my heart flutter around inside my chest. Like he knew.

  “Why?”

  “Because I want you to.”

  “Why?”

  “Because I don’t want to leave it this way. Jesus.” Rubbing his face, he pushed the heel of his hands into his eye sockets. “Just come in. Please.”

  This time it was my turn to obey. Pushing open my door, I followed him up the steps. I wrapped my arms around myself, waiting while he fiddled with and dropped the keys a couple times before finally getting the right one in the keyhole. Once we were inside, he took my coat, throwing it over the back of his couch as he motioned for me to follow.

  Even though I probably should have, I didn’t take much of an opportunity to look around, too focused on where we were going and what we were going to be doing once we got there.

  At the end of the hallway, he flipped on a light and I flinched, letting my eyes adjust to the brightness of his kitchen as he poured himself some water. He took a drink and then held out the cup. “Want some?”

  Standing in the entryway, I shook my head. “No, thanks.”

  He shrugged as if it were my loss.

  “Why am I here again?”

  “Because I asked you to come in and you agreed.”

  “Seriously, Coll. What is it you want? You write. You don’t write. You act like you like me, then you don’t. So what is it?”

  Looking over, his eyes roamed up my legs then back down to the floor before he turned back toward the sink to fill up his cup again.

  Staring at his backside, I came to the realization that I didn’t know this man. Didn’t understand him and probably never would. I wasn’t even sure if I wanted to anymore.

  My stomach turned as I did, heading back out the way I’d come in, when his hand wrapped around my wrist. He pulled me into an adjoining room, shutting the door behind us. Pushing me up against the door, he pressed his lips to my neck.

  “Don’t leave.” His breath was hot, making me momentarily forget my anger.

  I ran my hands up his arms and over his shoulders, then I fisted them into his hair. It was softer than I imagined, like smooth silk sliding between my fingers. His palms felt big and demanding, roaming down my waist. They lit a fire over my hips, running the flames back up the insides of my thighs. I spread them farther apart for him, biting back a moan as his fingers dipped just under the edges of my panties. I involuntarily hissed when his teeth dug into my shoulder. He soothingly kissed where he bit.

  “You’re drunk.”

  “I’m good.”

  Lifting the hem of my dress, he palmed my ass, pressing his groin between my legs. A few more swivels of my hips and I probably could have come.

  “I missed you. You know that?” he asked.

  I let out a breathy laugh, loosening my hands from his hair to rest them against his chest. I tried pushing him away but he didn’t budge, only pushed into me harder. I bit back another moan. No way was I was giving him the satisfaction of knowing how good he felt. How much I missed him, too.

  “I’ve been meaning to talk to you, just needed some time to think,” he swore, his lips working their way back up to softly sweep across my jaw. The deep tenor of his voice vibrated my bones, making me dizzy.

  I didn’t want to be mad at him. I didn’t really have any right to be mad at him, but I was mad at him.

  “What was it you needed to think about?”

  “You. Us. How maybe we could … ya know.”

  “We could what?”

  Groaning, he briefly rested his forehead against my chest before looking back up.

  “Dammit, don’t you get it? I want to be with you, Hailey. Now. Tonight.”

  His fist hit the door right beside my head, and I flinched, almost scared to look back up at him.

  Realizing what he was doing, he slowly backed off, sitting down on his bed once his knees hit the edge of the mattress. He studied me briefly before dropping his head in his hands and fisting his hair.

  “You know, I knew it was a mistake writing you those letters.”

  A sharp pain pierced my chest and I slouched back against the door. I closed my eyes and then opened them, finding my vision blurred. The room was spinning.

  “I can’t be that guy for you, Hailey. I thought maybe I could … but I can’t.”

  I wanted to ask why but my throat felt too dry.

  “I hardly know when I’m gonna be around. If I’ll be around.” He kept going, making everything worse. “It’s dangerous out there. Do you understand that? I go out and I don’t know when I’m coming back, if I’m coming back. Can you honestly tell me that’s what you want? You seriously want to get attached to that?”

  Too late.

  I already was.

  “I mean, what if we had kids?”

  My stomach fluttered at the mention of doing something like that together. On purpose.

  “I thought you didn’t think about stuff like that.”

  “I didn’t. Now I do. All the fuckin’ time. I just sit around”—he gestured around the room—“fuckin’ thinking about it. And I don’t want my kids growing up like I did.”

  “And how was that?”

  “Second to a piece of shit just because he could foot half the bills. Being beat for dropping the ball, not keeping my room clean, ‘cause I was somebody else’s kid, who knows.”

  I stepped away from the door to go comfort him but he held up a hand.

  “Don’t. Okay? Just don’t.”

  I stopped in my tracks.

  “I’m headed back out tomorrow, that was what I was trying to tell you the other day.” He sniffed, wiping his nose on his shoulder before resting his elbows on his knees.

  “This is all I have to offer.” He held out his hands before folding them together. “A little bit of time in between runs. And you know what I really want to do with that time?” He glared up at me.

  “I want to eat. I want to sleep. And I want to fuck.”

  His blunt admission hit me like a punch to the stomach.

  Standing, he stalked over, placing a hand on either side of my head.

  “And I want to fuck you.”

  Grabbing my chin, he lifted it to look me in the eye.

  “I don’t want to make you my wife,” he said, surprisingly ripping my heart in two. “I don’t need you to miss or mourn me like some clingy bitch of a girlfriend.”

  I flinched as if the words had hit me. I couldn’t believe he was acting this way.

  “I just want to eat your food, fuck you, then fall asleep in that bed over there. You telling me that’s gonna be enough?”

  Trailing his fingers down the side of my throat, he waited, patiently letting me think about what I wanted. Only thing was, I couldn’t think.

  Between the storm churning inside my stomach and the hemorrhaging from my heart, I couldn’t think at all.

  “Think I got my answer.”

  Removing his hands, he reached around me to open the door and push me out before shutting himself back up inside.

  Palming the chipped w
ood, my other hand wrapped around the handle. I jostled it once before giving up. After a few moments, I left. Unable to think. Unable to sleep. Unable to hold back the tears when I later stirred with a thunderous warning that his truck would be gone again by morning.

  Chapter Sixteen

  “Hailey? Earth to Hailey. Come in, Hailey.” Alyssa snapped her fingers in my face, and I blinked.

  “Sorry. What?”

  She pointed back at my class, and I hesitantly glanced around her.

  “They’ve been running amuck for the past twenty minutes. At first I thought y’all were playing a game. But when the first blood-curdling scream rang out I figured different. I came running over to find you and them like this.” She gestured around the room.

  Different color marker covered half the desktops. Every toy had been pulled out of the bins and strewn out all over the floor. All of the kids were out of their seats and running around the room like the little hooligans they were. All but little Kaylee and Timmy. They were such a sweet kids. Maybe I should have given Timmy’s dad a call after all.

  What?

  No. No.

  What was I thinking?

  “What were you thinking?” Alyssa asked, and I gave her an incredulous look. How did she do that? “Hello! So help me. If you zone out again, I swear to God.”

  “Swear to God! Swear to God!” one of the kids yelled as they ran by, stringing a roll of paper towels along behind them.

  I frowned at the blank space in front of me before leaning back in my chair.

  What was I thinking?

  Thankfully, Alyssa didn’t push the issue but assisted me in rounding up and settling down the heathens instead. She even offered to stay after school and help me clean up, but I shooed her out the door, dead set on scrubbing desktops in peace. I needed the time to think. Even though I couldn’t remember what I was thinking about after I was done thinking it.

  God, I was a mess.

  The last place I wanted to be was home. I stopped by the bar to drown my sorrows in a plate of cheese sticks. Ordering them to go, I pulled out a stool and sat, looking over to find Russell sitting next to me.

  “Well hey there.” Taking a drink from his tumbler, he saluted me with two fingers.

  I hadn’t seen or spoken to him since that awkward day I’d hauled his drunk ass home. It seemed today wasn’t going to go much differently.